The Dark Side of Second Life

I have an online harasser.

It's one of the darker things about being on the internet.

People will do and say ugly things behind the safety of their keyboards.

I've taken all the recommended steps to make this stop. Months ago, I muted and blocked him in every way that is reasonable, as well as those in the group he belongs to. Barring closing down my Second Life shop and leaving my in-world persona behind, there is nothing more I can do. I don't talk to him or about him or his group in public. I don't do message board postings, web sites, blog posts or argue with him. Nothing.

I've sent a cease and desist letter and he only mocks me.

I've tried to go about my business and do good for others and there he is behind every corner.

To those that I thought were my friends, that I have supported and held dear, that I have stuck my neck out for against opposition to help you achieve your goals (entry into the GLC), to you who sit with this man and listen to his diatribes, think about this ... If I had been raped in the real world, would you have lunch with my rapist?

Don't tell me you value friendships over dramas. It's a lie.

I'm closing this blog for now as it was never intended for this type of posting, but what I have written here needed to be said.

Be well.



http://www.wiredsafety.org/cyberstalkin ... ition.html

There are different ways to define cyberstalking.

One way to define it is to see how the Law defines it (check out our legal discussion of cyberstalking laws and offline stalking laws). We would like to begin, however, by defining "Cyberstalking" from the point of view of the target's (victim's) experience.

When identifying cyberstalking "in the field" , particularly when considering whether to report it to any kind of legal authority, the following features or combinations of features can be considered to characterize a true stalking situation:

■Malice
■Premeditation
■Repetition
■Distress
■Obsession
■Vendetta
■No Legitimate Purpose
■Personally Directed
■Disregarded Warnings to Stop
■Harassment
■Threats

Malice
Malice means: the desire and intention to terrorize and hurt you. Much cyberstalking is malicious in nature. Malice is usually indicated by the presence and communication of clear and direct threats made against you by the harasser.

Not all cyberstalking however is malicious. In cases of "love obsession" cyberstalking for example, the stalker has no visible intent to harm you, and while their behavior may cause you great distress, they do not necessarily realize that they are doing so, since they are often lost in a fantasy world where they believe you are secretly in love with them.

Other forms of online harassment are also not necessarily malicious. Some online harassment takes the forms of practical jokes at your expense, and while this may be unpleasant and cause you great inconvenience, annoyance, fear or distress, the harasser may not have intended to cause you harm.

Premeditation
Premeditation means: the presence of planning and organization.

Not all harassment is premeditated. Some may be the result of a sudden emotional outburst, where someone loses their temper with you and lashes out at you electronically. This may indeed cause you distress but could not be called premeditated, since the attack was sudden and not planned.Some kinds of harassment can be set in motion instantly and without preparation. Others take time to prepare.

Some require the setting up and use of special hostile computer attack programs. Others may require extensive research into your personal information on the Internet. The nature of the harassment you are experiencing will often tell you if you are dealing with a premeditated attack or an unplanned passionate outburst.RepetitionRepetition means: the harassment is not just a single isolated incident.Repetition is a key feature of online stalking. A one off attack online, while it may cause you distress, could not be described as cyberstalking. Cyberstalking is a course of conduct that takes place over a period of time and involves repeated attempts to cause you distress. Some laws even define it as involving two or more incidents and following a repetitive pattern.

Distress
Distress means: the activity causes fear and distress to you the target.

You could not claim cyberstalking or even online harassment if you do not feel distressed in some way. Distress can take many forms, from annoyance, offense, inconvenience and humiliation to worry and fear for your safety. The presence of fear is an important of characteristic cyberstalking.

You also need to be careful that you are yourself not overreacting. In legal terms, stalking is usually defined as a course of conduct that causes a "reasonable person" to be in distress. You may react in a paranoid or hysterical way to something that is said or done online, but you can not claim cyberstalking unless you can also show that your reaction is "reasonable", i.e., that any other reasonable person would react in the same way.

To show a court that you suffered distress as a result of online stalking you really need the testimony of expert witnesses - these could be your doctor or counselor who you went to for help or medication concerning the incident. If you don't go for medical help regarding your distress then expect the stalkers lawyer to suggest to the court that you were not really that distressed at all.

Obsession
Obsession means: the stalker cannot stop, despite warnings.

To establish this behavior you would need to have given a very clear warning to the harasser to leave you alone. Obsessive behavior is common both in hate vendettas against you and also in what is known as "love obsession" stalking, where the stalker believes themselves to be in love with their target. For love obsession stalkers your "NO" means "YES".

It is a common occurrence for stalkers to violate restraining orders and probation, or even lose their jobs, to continue stalking the object of their obsession.

Vendetta
Vendetta means: the stalker seeks revenge against you.

Hate vendettas are a common cause of harassment online. Stalkers and harassers often convince themselves that you have deserved their hostile attention and that they are in the right. They often persuade themselves that you have committed a great wrong and that they are in the position of avenger, punishing you for your crimes. Revenge may be sought for no reasonable offense at all.

No Legitimate Purpose
No legitimate purpose means: the harassment has no valid purpose, other than to terrorize you and cause you distress.

Some stalkers persuade themselves that they have just cause to harass you, usually on the grounds that you deserve to be punished for some wrong they claim you have committed. Other stalkers have no announced purpose other than to make you suffer. In either case the stalking serves no legitimate purpose.

If however you started the problem by attacking someone else online, and now they are after you for revenge, then your original and unprovoked attack could be used in court to show that the stalker had a legitimate purpose in harassing you.

Personally Directed
Personal means: the harassment is directed at YOU personally.

General attacks on groups, companies online or chat channels could not be called stalking. Stalking means you and you alone are the target.

Disregarded Warnings To Stop
Disregarded warnings to stop means: that you have given a clear and direct warning to the stalker to stop, and the stalker ignores your clear warning.

You cannot claim that you are being stalked online if you have never said "Leave me alone" to the stalker. One standard defense used by stalkers in court is to claim that you were encouraging their attentions, and that you never said "NO".

Harassment
Stalking on or offline involves "harassment".

We can summarize "harassment" by quoting from two US State Statutes - one from California and one from Michigan:

California defines Harassment as: ...a knowing and willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, torments, or terrorizes the person, and that serves no legitimate purpose. This course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, and must actually cause substantial emotional distress to the person.

While Michigan defines Harassment as: ...conduct directed toward a victim that includes, but is not limited to, repeated or continuing unconsented contact, that would cause a reasonable individual to suffer emotional distress, and that actually causes the victim to suffer emotional distress.

Threats
A threat means: a statement of intent made in order to place a person in reasonable fear for his or her physical safety. Most of the online stalking cases we have dealt with involve threats made against the target.Some laws refer to "credible threats" - meaning that the threat must be one that the target believes the stalker to be capable of carrying out.

I performed my first Second Life wedding last night. It was a shotgun affair and clearly had no planning or forethought. I don't doubt that the bride and groom cared about each other as they were both slightly giddy and nervous. The woman who contacted me via IM during the ceremony to perform her own wedding was even less prepared as she wanted to do hers at 2AM the next morning. I gently got her to rethink that ungodly hour but she kept trying to leave during my questions about what kind of ceremony they wanted. The prospective groom clearly had no interest in the whole affair and he left without a word. I was assuming she was attempting to follow him, so friended her and let her scamper off.

Photo courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/ under Creative Commons licence

All this leads me to wonder if Second Life couples couldn't benefit from pre-marital counseling. Now I know how silly that sounds, but let me explain. Second Life is a platform. Some call it a game. Relationships online are all too transitory and I know, through painful experience, how they can all go to shit in the blink of an eye. Real people at the keyboards get hurt, sometimes permanently, while the people doing the hurting move on to their next victim.

I had fun doing the wedding, but there is a nagging at the back of my head and my heart hurts for the inevitable broken ones.

If you are in an online relationship, or considering one, please think about the other people involved. Consider what their real lives might be like. If you're less than honorable with your partners, think about the damage you might be doing while they stare dewey eyed at thier monitors...so much in love.

It's bewildering that you can feel connected to someone that you have never laid eyes on, never heard the tone of their voice, have no idea what color their hair is even, but yet... you still feel it. It brings truth to the saying, "True beauty cannot be seen with the eyes, but only the heart."

~Jewell Lamourfou

I'm in a funk today. Trying to use good music to lift the clouds. It was a fun weekend with new music artists discovered and savored, as well as familiar ones appreciated. The Christmas tree is partially decorated. I love the warm light a Christmas tree gives out and will often leave it on all night.

Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/groups/creativecommons/

How many does it take to build a bridge?

Just two, if they want to.

How many does it take to start a war?

Just Three. Has to be a winner.

How many does it take to reach the moon?

Everyone Everywhere.

And how many does it take to change it all?

Just one.

Just you.

~POL Arida http://polarida.com

Affecting change...

It takes a glimmer of a thought from one person (just you) to start the energy moving for change, but it takes the tribe to complete it. It's really easy to quote the songs, or even to sing them. What's tough is trying to make positive changes when the tribe is scattered in so many directions.

Tortoise and Hare

I'm thankful for the shining star that so vividly pointed out the obvious to me this morning.



This afternoon I was digging through dusty piles of old term papers and slides from my photography classes (damn, I did good work back then) and came across an Aree style "The Tortoise and the Hare" composition I wrote for English 1A. The professor only gave me a B on that paper because I failed to fulfill the task of a compare/contrast, but it was a story I needed to write at the time. It's a story that needs to be remembered today as well as I find myself all filled with impatience and indignation at wheels that turn too slowly and people who don't listen.

"Tortoise learned that hares are what they are and that they will never change because they don't have the foresight to see the end. She learned that compassion and tolerance for the hares of life will help them dash through their days with a sense of purpose.

On the other hand, Hare learned that she should never judge another by appearances. What may seem slow and stupid may actually be the smartest way to win the race."

With the frigid weather of winter, the coyotes get bolder. There was one outside the fence yesterday morning but Poe barked and scared him away. I tried to dash for my camera but it was too late. The deer are much more tolerant of his protestations and they like the apples that I feed them, so I can snap photos to my heart's content.

Outside the grocery store there was the cutest little girl selling pretty, ribboned bunches of mistletoe for a dollar each. She was all dressed up for Christmas and I loved the little elf ears attached to her hat. I didn't have the camera with me, darn it.

The Mistletoe Magic
From the earliest times mistletoe has been one of the most magical, mysterious, and sacred plants of European folklore. It was considered to bestow life and fertility; a protection against poison; and an aphrodisiac. The mistletoe of the sacred oak was especially sacred to the ancient Celtic Druids. On the sixth night of the moon white-robed Druid priests would cut the oak mistletoe with a golden sickle. Two white bulls would be sacrificed amid prayers that the recipients of the mistletoe would prosper. Later, the ritual of cutting the mistletoe from the oak came to symbolize the emasculation of the old King by his successor. Mistletoe was long regarded as both a sexual symbol and the "soul" of the oak. It was gathered at both mid-summer and winter solstices, and the custom of using mistletoe to decorate houses at Christmas is a survival of the Druid and other pre-Christian traditions. The Greeks also thought that it had mystical powers and down through the centuries it became associated with many folklore customs. In the Middle Ages and later, branches of mistletoe were hung from ceilings to ward off evil spirits. In Europe they were placed over house and stable doors to prevent the entrance of witches. It was also believed that the oak mistletoe could extinguish fire. This was associated with an earlier belief that the mistletoe itself could come to the tree during a flash of lightning. The traditions which began with the European mistletoe were transferred to the similar American plant with the process of immigration and settlement.

Kissing under the mistletoe
Kissing under the mistletoe is first found associated with the Greek festival of Saturnalia and later with primitive marriage rites. They probably originated from two beliefs. One belief was that it has power to bestow fertility. It was also believed that the dung from which the mistletoe would also possess "life-giving" power. In Scandinavia, mistletoe was considered a plant of peace, under which enemies could declare a truce or warring spouses kiss and make-up. Later, the eighteenth-century English credited with a certain magical appeal called a kissing ball. At Christmas time a young lady standing under a ball of mistletoe, brightly trimmed with evergreens, ribbons, and ornaments, cannot refuse to be kissed. Such a kiss could mean deep romance or lasting friendship and goodwill. If the girl remained unkissed, she cannot expect not to marry the following year. In some parts of England the Christmas mistletoe is burned on the twelfth night lest all the boys and girls who have kissed under it never marry. Whether we believe it or not, it always makes for fun and frolic at Christmas celebrations. Even if the pagan significance has been long forgotten, the custom of exchanging a kiss under the mistletoe can still be found in many European countries as well as in Canada. Thus if a couple in love exchanges a kiss under the mistletoe, it is interpreted as a promise to marry, as well as a prediction of happiness and long life. In France, the custom linked to mistletoe was reserved for New Year's Day: "Au gui l'An neuf" (Mistletoe for the New Year). Today, kisses can be exchanged under the mistletoe any time during the holiday season.

The Legend
For its supposedly mystical power mistletoe has long been at the center of many folklore. One is associated with the Goddess Frigga. The story goes that Mistletoe was the sacred plant of Frigga, goddess of love and the mother of Balder, the god of the summer sun. Balder had a dream of death which greatly alarmed his mother, for should he die, all life on earth would end. In an attempt to keep this from happening, Frigga went at once to air, fire, water, earth, and every animal and plant seeking a promise that no harm would come to her son. Balder now could not be hurt by anything on earth or under the earth. But Balder had one enemy, Loki, god of evil and he knew of one plant that Frigga had overlooked in her quest to keep her son safe. It grew neither on the earth nor under the earth, but on apple and oak trees. It was lowly mistletoe. So Loki made an arrow tip of the mistletoe, gave to the blind god of winter, Hoder, who shot it , striking Balder dead. The sky paled and all things in earth and heaven wept for the sun god. For three days each element tried to bring Balder back to life. He was finally restored by Frigga, the goddess and his mother. It is said the tears she shed for her son turned into the pearly white berries on the mistletoe plant and in her joy Frigga kissed everyone who passed beneath the tree on which it grew. The story ends with a decree that who should ever stand under the humble mistletoe, no harm should befall them, only a kiss, a token of love. What could be more natural than to translate the spirit of this old myth into a Christian way of thinking and accept the mistletoe as the emblem of that Love which conquers Death? Its medicinal properties, whether real or imaginary, make it a just emblematic of that Tree of Life, the leaves of which are for the healing of the nations thus paralleling it to the Virgin Birth of Christ.

http://www.theholidayspot.com/christmas/history/mistletoe.htm

I realized today, with some delight, that tomorrow is the first of December and I can start wearing my cheezy Christmas stuff.

When she was still alive, Granny used to make crochet slippers for the entire family. They weren't very comfortable and when not worn resembled an ugly, multicolored envelope. We could sure depend on getting them though, along with the occasional crochet covered hanger. To this day I can't figure out why she would give a hanger (and it was always just one) but I think it could have been a subtle hint to the four of us girls to not be such slobs.

Earrings made out of Christmas ornaments are always fun. I did these last year right before the holiday, so I didn't get enough chances to wear them. My family was probably thankful for that.